As we grow, we change. Change is often difficult. It’s not always bad, and realistically positive most often comes from change if we embrace it, learn from it, and grow from there.
“Without change there would be no butterflies.”
Almost three years ago I started this blog. I wanted to share parenting tips that I learned and green living changes I was making. Honestly, I needed an outlet. I needed somewhere to pour my feelings, but early on, I left me out of my blog. I was too afraid to share me and kept myself hidden behind thick walls.
Three years ago I knew very little about myself and the world. I knew I was a hard worker and that I cared about everyone. I was afraid to make mistakes, insanely, unreasonably afraid and toed a line of perfection in everything I did. In all of this, I thought I was happy.
As the next year unfolded I grew very unhappy. In my own way, I voiced my sadness and loneliness but was ignored. I pushed on allowing decisions to be made for me because I felt unheard and taken complete advantage of. The more I pushed for help, for love, for me, the more I was forgotten and the more my self-worth disappeared. I was alone in taking care of my children.
There came a point last summer where I was done, completely and utterly. I was done being held back and not living life. I was done being unloved. I was done. I finally stood up and realized that I deserved more. I was scared out of my mind but took one small step forward. I applied for a job.
The whirlwind that followed, including being offered and accepting the job within a week of applying, brought my walls down and put me on my feet. I work 40 hours per week as a teacher, earning just above the poverty line, and supplement by working on my photography business 15-25 hours per week. My bottom line at the end of the month is zero or less depending on expenses – car maintenance, lawyer fees, and medical costs. BUT the person that I am before you today is the person I wished to be all of my life. This is who I wanted to be when I started this blog 3 years ago.
Obviously, I would love to be home more with my kids. My dream was to be a mom at home until the kids went to school at which point I would enter (or re-enter) a science career. However, on this path I’m giving my boys much more than just my presence. They will learn not to settle for less than what they want or deserve. They will learn to work hard for happiness and to cherish that happiness. They will learn to hold on tight to those people who truly care and support you because even though they are often few in number, these are the people that will bring sunlight into your life and the people that you should surround yourself with. (Thank goodness I have a shining star in my life.) They will learn that judging others is harmful and hateful and your energies are better spent supporting and loving those that are hurting. They will learn that life cannot be lived behind a wall of comfort and closed mindedness.
They will learn these things because over the last year and a half, I have learned these things. I have learned, changed, and grown in an incredible way, much like a caterpillar goes through metamorphosis. I know that I can instill these positive changes in my boys and that together we can spread our wings and take flight. The flight may be long and difficult but those moments of sunshine and rainbows make escaping the cocoon more than worth the struggle.
And here it is… as part of my growth, I’m closing down this blog. As I’ve grown I’ve realized that I want to focus my efforts on family and my passions.
I will continue to write and will be transferring some of these posts to my photoblog JacqieQ (a work in progress). There are very important pieces of me in this blog, and I don’t want to lose them.
Thank you with all of my heart for joining me on this part of my path. Your support has meant the world to me, and every one of you have been the ears I needed when I went unheard. With gratitude, love, and excitement I begin the next part of my life path.